What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.

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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.

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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.

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