What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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Where do all the letters sleep?

In the alphabed.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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