What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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