What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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