What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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What do bees do with their honey?

They cell it.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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