What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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