What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!

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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean

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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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