What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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