What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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What do you call a snowman in the desert?

A puddle!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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What clothes does a house wear?

Address.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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My pastor, he ate too many beans.

He had in his own pews.
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