What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What kind of answer did you have in mind?
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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