What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he/she will spend hours checking for technical problems.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketi
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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