What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano!

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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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