What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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What are pirate's favoite treat?

Chips AHOY!!
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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