What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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Four fonts walk into a bar

the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

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I’ve never gone to a gun range before.

I decided to give it a shot!
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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Why is b always cool?

Because it's between ac.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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