What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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