What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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