What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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