What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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