What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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