What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?

A Moo-sician!

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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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