What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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