What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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