What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?

A Moo-sician!

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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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