What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?

It ran out of juice!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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