What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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A seal walks into a club...
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?

A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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