What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What do Michael Jackson and x-boxs have in common?

They're both plastic and little boys turn them on.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

Wet.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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