What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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