What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.
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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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