What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What do bees do with their honey?

They cell it.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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