What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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What has holes all over and holds water?

A sponge!
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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