What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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