When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?

Parachute school!
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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