When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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