Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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