Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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