Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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