Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano!

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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That girl said she knew me from the vegitarian club,

but I'd never seen herbivore [her before]
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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