Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano!

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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?

It ran out of juice!
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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