Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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