Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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What music does cheese listen to?

R & Brie.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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