Where does a polarbear keep its money?

In a snow bank!
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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