Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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