Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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