Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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