Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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