Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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