Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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