Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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