Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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The oddly pleasant feeling of looking down on a physist as they drink the last of their beer.

The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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