Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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