Why are kindergarten teachers so good?

They can make little things count.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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