Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?

"The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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How does an Eskimo stick his house together?

With igloo!
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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