Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?

Thoreau editing Thorough.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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