Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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