Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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