Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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What is a tornado's favorite game?

Twister!
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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