Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.
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What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?

The leaning tower of Pizza.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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