Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?

French Flies.
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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