Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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