Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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