Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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