Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.
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What's green and flies as fast as a speeding bullet?

Super Pickle!
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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