Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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