Why did the basketball player bring his suitcase to his game?

Because he traveled a lot.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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