Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Have you heard the joke about the butter?

I better not tell you, it might spread.
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