Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.

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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

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