Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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