Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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Three people were in a boat. They all fell off. Only two people ended up with wet hair. Why didn't the other person's hair get wet?

Because he was bald!
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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