Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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