Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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