Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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Why did a boy thow a clock out the window?

To see time fly.
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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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What is Donald Trumps campaign slogan?

"A complex world demands complex hair."
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