Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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