Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's the slipperiest country?

Greece!
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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