Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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