Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.

I mean he did say he was a private tutor.
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