Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!

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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How many ``pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb?

6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.

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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.

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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.

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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood

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