Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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