Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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