Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do camels use to hide themselves?

Camelflauge
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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