Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?

The leaning tower of Pizza.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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