Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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