Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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Why did the oreo go to the dentist?

To get his filling!
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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