Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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Know how copper wire was invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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