Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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What is a spaceman's favorite chocolate?

A marsbar!
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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