Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall?

A ruler.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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