Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?

It ran out of juice!
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What robs you while you're in the bathtub?

A robber ducky.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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