Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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