Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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