Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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That girl said she knew me from the vegitarian club,

but I'd never seen herbivore [her before]
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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