Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?

Snow White Supremacist.
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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