Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?

Holes.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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