Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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