Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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My pastor, he ate too many beans.

He had in his own pews.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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