Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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Two satellites decided to get married.

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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