Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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