Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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