Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?

Holes.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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Why did the rooster cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken!
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