Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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